In My Fathers Arms: A True Story Of Incest (Living Out: Gay and Lesbian Autobiog)

"This is the most detailed and utterly plausible account I've ever read of what it feels like to be an abused child, and it is told with cinematic presence and verisimilitude. The anger, the love, the evasiveness and jealousy and confusion, the need to dissociate oneself from one's own actions and reactions-all are presented in a harrowing narrative, which is as tragic as a Greek drama and as engrossing as a Victorian novel. The unexpected element in this book-which falls on it like manna-is its nourishing, exquisite lyricism."-Edmund White

The TV-perfect family of Walter de Milly III was like many others in the American South of the 1950s-seemingly close-knit, solidly respectable, and active in the community.

Tragically, Walter's deeply troubled father would launch his family on a perilous journey into darkness. To the outside world, this man is a prominent businessman, a dignified Presbyterian, and a faithful husband; to Walter, he is an overwhelming, handsome monster. Whenever the two are together, young Walter becomes a sexual plaything for his father; father and son outings are turned into soul-obliterating nightmares.

Walter eventually becomes a successful businessman only to be stricken by another catastrophe: his father, at the age of seventy, is caught molesting a young boy. Walter is asked to confront his father. Walter convenes his family, and in a private conference with a psychiatrist, the father agrees to be surgically castrated.

De Milly's portraits of his relationships with his father and mother, and the confrontation that leads to his father's bizarre and irreversible voluntary "cure," are certain to be remembered long after the reader has set aside this powerful contribution to the literature of incest survival.

De Milly's memoir tells the story of his sexual abuse as a child by his father, and of his father's eventual castration. Yet the book never becomes a simple case of shock value. Telling a complete story, de Milly offers a universal perspective that explores the effect of incest on an entire family, the relationship of an abuser and his victim, the child's experience of abuse, and the victim's treatment options and path to recovery, as an adult. The result is both a chilling memoir that adds an important voice to our Living Out series and an essential contribution to sexual abuse literature-one that will offer invaluable aid to therapists and victims.

His descriptions vividly illustrate the experience of dissociation and splitting. This book has given me the clearest understanding of multiple personality disorder. Through memories he explains the psyche of his father (which is very disturbing), and how his father maintained control over him and secrecy over the incest. We also learn about the culture he grew up in through the reactions to his homosexuality, the keeping of secrets for the purpose of upholding social images, and the belief that incest is a fantasy and not a reality.

The reaction of his parents and psychiatrist to his homosexuality and emerging incest memories is heart breaking. He deserved so much more than how he was treated and misunderstood. The difficulties of dealing with incest compounded by the discovery of his homosexuality (being different, having crushes in high school), and then to be misunderstood and put through therapies to make him heterosexual, while his father (a pedophile) was praised as a great man.

Throughout the entire book we catch glimmers of hope, and ultimately he is able to end the secrecy and to triumph. He reclaims himself from the lies and abuse. I even began to feel compassion towards his father. He was a sick man, and he was not able to fully face the truth of what he had done before his death (though he never denied that he abused his son or the other boys). The treatment he received disturbed me. I wish there had been a way for everyone in the family to receive better psychotherapy.

Walter de Milly writes beautifully. I loved reading about his connections to other people, and especially his friendship with Wallace.


Validating and Real   October 24, 2001
 5 out of 5 found this review helpful

Currently trying to understand my own past, De Milly's story is told with such clarity and care, that after I put it down (i read it in one sitting) I felt comforted. De Milly confronts something most of us try to keep quiet, and he does so with grace and compassion. The book, undoubtedly a reflection of the man, is painfully sincere. Thank you Walter De Milly for opening the door for so many of us.


Extraordinary book on many levels   September 8, 2001
 7 out of 7 found this review helpful

As you can well imagine, this material is rather hard to take. Mercifully the book isn't too long, and by that comment I simply mean that the author is never verbose. He doesn't allow his story to become maudlin. What struck me most was how sympathic the author is with his father. He is able to convey a myriad of conflicting emotions - confusion, anger, love - with a clear and candid style. What his father did to Walter and all those other boys was horrendous and, some would say, unforgivable. What this book did for me was to communicate the ambiguities in his father's character. This was not just a tragedy for Walter, but for his father as well. Don't misunderstand. I'm not condoning his father's actions. No, I'm just saying that one can understand and feel a certain pity for someone obviously afflicted by demons too powerful to fight or conquer. This is a very special book, both sad and optimistic, objective and pointedly direct.